Hatezz

思念客運!!!

2009-01-31T21:47:00.007+08:00

Hmm, juz boarded 思念客運. Am watching the MV 最幸福的事 by 梁文音. Nice MV. Guess we nid to went through the phase of life(思念客運) to reach our happiness. I believe i already pass 失落和捨得. Now have to learn to 珍惜.

Guess wat, after 11mths, i finally bumped into her yesterday!! She was wif her bf. Was wif our common friends havinng dinner at tiong bahru plaza, my friend was like keep asking whether to change or leave or not. Not sure whether she saw us or not. As she juz walk past us. Saw the way her bf pull the chair for her. Believe she found a guy who treat her like a princess. Do wish that she be happy. Seriously at that moment, do feel that we r juz strangers passing by each other unknowingly. Hmm, better keep it that way. As long she is happy and good, i be happy for her. Guess i can finally closed the chapter and move on.

Strangely, perhaps due to many yrs celebrating all festivals and b-day with her, been really feelings down. Although there r lots of friends to celebrate n parties from christmas to CNY and even my b-day, but still feel the kind of emptiness within.
Wat happen to the saying "when one door closes, another opens"?? Perhaps, the feelings of loneliness and no one to rely on is consuming me slowly.

最幸福的事完整版 MV
梁文音

歡迎搭乘思念客運
我們現在即將從回憶出發
沿著遺憾一直走到青春
左轉往事到達紀念日
接著會經過失落和捨得
然後從懂事離開
上行珍惜公路
直達滄海桑田
我們要追逐祝福的潮水
一起往溫柔前進
最後抵達目的地

The 5 People you meet in Heaven

2009-01-19T22:02:00.006+08:00

Lol, juz finish a novel "The 5 People you meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom!!! Haha, before you people said "WAT!!!", ya i did manage to finish a novel. Hmm, quite a nice and meaningful novel. A good read for my trip to genting, since i literally am heading heaven(hell perhaps as Uncle Lim refused to cough out money for me)!!!

After reading, guess life is more than regrets, misery and hatred. There more install for us. In our life, we meet people who unknowingly die bcos of us, people who hurt us, people who sacrifice for us, people who we missed and left us and stuffs we regret doing. But living in regrets, misery and hatred is not going to bring us anywhere or help us. It juz make our life more miserable. Everything happen for a reason, be it good or bad. It juz how we going to learn and do abt it and not let in happen again.

No matter how small we think we are or wat we achieve, it might had changed someone life unknowingly. Forgive and forget. Cherish the person you have now. Past is past, nothing can be done to undo it. Is wat you going to do now that will.

Love,
Hatezz

《The 5 people you meet in Heaven》
The story start with a old man, Eddie. He's a maintenance worker at a local amusement park, Ruby Pier. A place where he is born, live, work and die. A place of regret, misery, hatred and bad memories.

After dying in a freak accident trying to save a little gal from a fallen ride, Eddie finds himself in heaven where he encounters five people who have significantly affected his life. They have a story to share and something for eddie to understand before he reach his own heaven.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_People_You_Meet_in_Heaven

The First Person Eddie Meets in Heaven
“The Blue Man,” or Joseph Corvelzchik, a member of a carnival freak show often present at Ruby Pier. Their path crossed when Eddie retrieved his ball from the street, although he was safe and sound, the Blue man wasn't. Eddie had given him a heart attack when he was driving due to a sudden halt and the Blue man was not mad at Eddie because of this, which confused Eddie. He explained to eddie that death doesn't just take omeone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.

Quotations:
"No life is a waste," the Blue Man said. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."

The Second Person Eddie Meets in Heaven
The Second Person Eddie meets in heaven is the Captain. Throughout his life, Eddie had used his war injury as a crutch. His inability to advance further in life than a ride maintenance man, to achieve personal goals – for everything, the blame lay on his war injury.

It is revealed that he was the one who shot Eddie in the leg, crippling him for life. However, unbeknownst to Eddie, the captain was actually saving his life, as Eddie was about to run into a burning hut, thinking he saw the shape of a small child burning in the ruins. Shortly after saving Eddie, the captain steps on a land mine and is killed.

The lesson in this chapter was about sacrifice.

Quotations: Captain to eddie.
"Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on earth is only the beginning."
"You didn't get it. Sacrifice is part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to."

The Third Person Eddie Meets in Heaven
Ruby, the third person he meets for whom without many thoughts Ruby Pier was built many years ago by her wealthy husband. She shares with Eddie her innermost secret: her wish that the pier was never built, because the count who has ever suffered at the pier. Ruby’s story reflects the idea that events before we are born still affect our lives, as do the people before us.

Ruby’s husband is in the hospital, sharing a room with Eddie’s father. Because of this, she is able to recount to him his father’s final living moments to him. Ruby helps Eddie understand the importance of forgiveness.

The Fourth Person Eddie Meets in Heaven
After leaving Ruby, Eddie moves through various wedding receptions in his next stage of heaven. At one of the weddings, he encounters a woman handing out chocolates “for the bitter and the sweet.” It is his wife, 'Marguerite'. As they dance from wedding to wedding, he tells her of everything she missed over the final 40 years of his life that he spent alone. Eventually, they discuss her death. She died too soon, and for this, Eddie was angry. Marguerite’s response is the fourth lesson Eddie learns in heaven.

It is never easy to deal with the loss of a loved one, and nearly impossible to cope with the premature death of a spouse. Although life is finite, love is eternal. Marguerite explains to Eddie that even after a loved one dies, the feeling of love lives on. In the absence of a physical connection, another emotion grows stronger than before: memory. As they dance together at their own wedding they share a final embrace, until Marguerite disappears and Eddie is once again left alone.

The Fifth Person Eddie Meets in Heaven
In Eddie’s final stage in heaven he finds himself in a sea of white, empty and silent. He hears the sounds of screaming children – the same sounds that have haunted his dreams ever since the day he escaped captivity in the Philippines. Upon investigating the source of these screams, he finds children playing peacefully in a river. They are screams of joy, not of horror. Amongst the children, he finds a young Filipina girl, Tala. It turns out that she was the shadow he saw in the burning hut. He was responsible for her death.

After hysterically screaming and sobbing, Eddie collapses before the little girl, who shares with him his final lesson. Eddie explains to her that he was sad because he feels as if he didn’t do anything meaningful with his life. To this, she responds by sharing with him his purpose on earth. “Children. You keep them safe. You make good for me. Is where you were supposed to be. Eddie Main-ten-ance.”

Before Eddie exits his final stage in heaven, Tala tells him that he did, in fact, successfully push the young girl to safety from the plummeting ride. Eddie is confused at first, telling Tala that he felt arms pulling him, not pushing. It turns out that these arms belonged to Tala, who was pulling him into heaven, keeping him safe.

达尔文
蔡健雅

我的青春也不是没伤痕
是明白爱是信仰的延伸
甚么特征人缘还是眼神
也不会预知爱不爱的可能
保持单身忍不住又沉沦
兜着圈子来去有时苦等
人的一生感情是旋转门
转到了最后真心的就不分

*有过竞争有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真学会忠诚
适者才能生存
懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人*

我的青春有时还蛮单纯
相信幸福取决于爱得深
读进化论我赞成达尔文
没实力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身已换过多少轮
记忆在旧情人心中变冷
我的一生有几道旋转门
转到了最后只剩你我没分
Repeat *X2

懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人X2

Woohoo 2009!!!

2009-01-11T11:19:00.003+08:00

Wow!!! Time pass fast. Unknowingly, a year had passed and we are already 11 days into 2009!!! I believe alots of us had spent the last few days 2008 or even the first few days of 2009 looking back at 2008 and planning for 2009. Me too.

How was 2008 for me?? Haha, dun nid me to say much. Real BAD!!! But nevertheless, looking back did learn alot from it. Hatezz to say that, if i had learnt it earlier or shall i say if i choose to listen to other, mayb it will be a different 2008?? (haha, james, i know u be laughing when u see this)

Hmm, looking back, i really spent too much time on work and neglect alots of things in life. Especially my love one. Perhaps is becos i grow in a family where i learn to be independent and my life is abt acheive what i want in life. Perhaps is the mindset of working hard to provide for my love one. Forgetting or shall i say failed to understand that no matter how beautiful my dreams will be, i still need to share wif the other 1. I also had learnt to share my emotions and feelings, though not face to face, at least i blogged it. Haha.

Nevertheless, i believe 2009 will be a great 1!!! Picking myself up on relationship front and hopefully there will be some1 for me to love or shall i say love me (Not u gays!!!). As for work, everything going well so far, proj till mid 2010, better control of my time!!! Family wise, believe everything will sort out by the time i get my house!!!

As for 2009 resolution, only 1!!! To spend more times with my love ones, friends and GAYS!!! Read from some research that setting high new year resolutions will only make you more depressed at the end of the year. So set reasonable 1. I believe my resolution not that hard to achieve.

Love,
Hatezz

古巨基 - 爱的太晚
作曲:杨镇邦@宇宙大爆炸
作词:林夕
编曲:雷颂德
制作:雷颂德

小时候老朋友什么都玩
可是毕业之后上班下班
有叙旧没话题
很无奈完成一顿晚饭
很久没和爸爸贴心交谈
却发现他动作沧桑缓慢
满脸皱纹漫长
见证我成长内疚也心酸
时间太赶爱的太晚
相见的人待到灯火也阑珊
为了不平凡忙忙忙会让人盲
赢到了风光输去了我的心肝
一去不返怎么样补偿
迟了一秒历史不会再转弯
不管怎么样见见想见的脸庞
我有责任去放肆一场
活着总要找人分享

我为了一口饭忘了健康
没有空看医生太忙太赶
喜欢的电影都没精力看完堆在床畔
为了她不停赚计划美满
趁圣诞送指环多么浪漫
想不到恋人说好久没见了已找到新欢
时间太赶爱得太晚
最爱的人待到感情也腐烂
为了不平凡忙忙忙会让人盲
赢到了风光输去了我的心肝
一去不返怎么样补偿
迟了一秒历史不会再转弯
不管怎么样见见想见的脸庞
我有责任去放肆一场
不要让下一次变遗憾
拥抱一下像拈花弹一弹多么短
可是比事业还漫长
几秒钟够你一生难忘
青春太段每个人在忙
计划人生忘了命运的无常
明天会更好想象未来多圆满
今夜刚有伴就让现在变灿烂
生命苦短人不过是人
遥望理想看不到身边一半
可来日方长把快乐酿成习惯
世界有太多东西流转
别把风景搬上天堂

Red or Blue Pill?? Part II

2008-12-30T06:50:00.005+08:00

Oops, i believe my last entry was too emotional. Haha, received a couple of regards. Before my phone start ringing and my msn start jumping, guys, gays and gals, i perfectly alright. This blog contain all the inner emotional of hatezz. Some things that i believe nope of u had seen. Haha, not that i a good actor. Is juz that i'm a believer that we had a choice to be happy and sad. And every1 had their own sad stories to tell and things to worry. So no pt in shower your sadness and emotion to other. Rather shower it on a blog. I had learned not to keep my feelings inside. And let it out. So, it gd to have a diary or a blog. :)

Hmm, mayb i should lock it and make it private so u people wont worry abt me. Haha. Hmm, guess not. There's alot of kpo out that trying to know how i had been. :)

Every1 had a choice. A choice to be happy, a choice to be sad. I juz choose to have a happy life. So every morning, i will tell myself it's going to be a happy day. Spread joy, not sorrow. Life is not abt how much u gone through, it abt how much u understand and learned from it. Some people can go through alots but they will still gone through the same things again n again and be sad and said that the god is not fair, the world is cruel. But they will never understand n learned that they are things that we can control and they are things beyond our control. We can only accept it and move on wif our life.

So people dun worry abt me. Life still move on. I cant choose who my parents are. But i do believe i can choose my path and life i want to lead. Choose to be happy than to be sad. Choose to give than to take. Spread the joy.

To look things at positive side, i learned alot. I do believe 2009 will be a good yr. As i believe i had reached the bottom of my life. Is time for this cockcoach to jump back to life. :)

P/S Before i forget, remember to msg and tell ur love one how much u love them. Treasure them. Is a season to be jolly!!!

Love,
Hatezz

Red or Blue Pill??

2008-12-29T17:06:00.002+08:00

Borrowing from the movie (The Matrix), the terms blue pill and red pill have become a popular metaphor for the choice between blissful ignorance (blue) and embracing the sometimes painful truth (red). For more read, click the link below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Redpill

Times past, the year is going to end very soon. Really hatezz the kind of feelings when your are at the end of the year and you had nothing/nobody around you to rely on. Really feeling sucky for the past few weeks. Till the extent the i'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. Past few days, i been living and fighting the devils within me. The devils that i thought i had won many battles against with. Devils that i managed to keep deep within me. Devils that i believe will break me 1 day.

I do understand that there's no point of looking back and think abt things that i can't change. But lots of shits happened. My dad juz managed to sold the house once again. To make matter worse, he's thinking of juz cremated my grandma tablet. A decision that luckily my aunts managed to get know and go against. Not that i wish to remember and think abt my past. Is juz that, it juz keep coming back to haunt me.

Received a call from my aunts few weeks back, they are so worried abt my bro and me that they can't get to sleep. Really sad to hear that my aunts are so worried. They been really good and take care of me since young. I dared to say that w/o them, i might not be wat i'm today. Have a gd talk wif them and get to know abt my dad's decisions of cremating my grandma's tablet and take all the money to indonesia and stay there.... Really hurtzz that i had a dad like tat... Since young, my grandma had been looking after him and even the house we had was fully paid by my grandma.. And this current house is been bought with the money he sold the old house and now he can juz sell the house, dumped the whole family, throw aside all the responsibities and even cremate my grandma's tablet. How could he ever think of such ideas?? Do he really have the rights??

Last sat, managed to send my grandma's tablet to her final resting place at a temple wif the help of my aunts. Do hoped that she will have a peaceful mind over there. After that went to my cousin's house to celebrate his daughter b-day. Really warming to see all his siblings is there to share the joys. The kind of familiy warm that i always long for. Guess need lots of affords and times till i can get such family warm. Or mayb, not possible in this lifetime.

Looking back at 2008, nothing seems to work out for me. Broke off from a 6yrs plus relationship and endless family problems. Not really have anything that i find happy in 2008. Being drifting around in clubs and pubs. Drink-drank-drunk for the past few mths. Trying hard to find back my meanings of life. Trying hard to get back on my feet and find back my goals and dream that i had keep them aside for the past few mths. Trying very hard to love again.

Perhaps, is better to hatezz. Better to live wif hatred than love. At least i wont be hurtzz at the end of the day. All the while since young, i been giving. Giving to my family, giving to my friends and every1 around me. End of the day, nothing in returns. Only a lonely lonely hatezz. Shall i juz gave in to the devils within me and be a devil????

Lots of people had been telling me, u look cheerful and bring joy around you, you must be some1 without worries. How i wish my reply is yes. At times, i wish i had taken the blue pill instead. Living in a blissful & ignorance life.

"You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes." -Morpheus describes the effects of the two pills to Neo

Bedtime Stories

2008-12-26T03:52:00.006+08:00

Hmm, just watched Bedtime Stories wif my friends. A funny fantasy movie. I believe we all wanted our stories in our life to have a happy endings. But in reality, not all stories had a happy endings. But if we nvr dream and try to create 1, high chance there won't be 1 to begin wif.

Wat the heck!!! Is it me or juz christmas?? Making a lonely heart so emo!!! Thought christmas are supposed to be magical where all miracles happened and santas climb into ur window and stuff presents into ur stockings. WHERE MY SANTAS!!!!

Do wish that 2009 will be a yr where my life story will had a happy ending to begin with.

Merry Christmas!!!

2008-12-25T09:12:00.002+08:00

Wow, wat a night!!! Let me think when the last time i celebrate christmas till i drop?? Near to 4 yrs?? 2 Parties, mixture of wine and beer is a killer..

Anyway, is my christmas really merry?? Had a rough year, nothing seems to be right. Broke off from a 6yr plus relationship, had a rough times wif my family and now house sold and need to hunt for 1. Hmm, looking back, this year really sucks. But nevertheless, learned alots for the past few mths. Found that i'm evolving. Done and try lots of stuffs that i never try and done b4. Of cos, met a gd gay that had always been at my sides when i needed him. Haha.

As the year had come to an end, time for me to move on and get my dreams and goals back on track. Hopefully 2009 will be a better yr for all.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Ahead!!!

P/S: Santas left a note in my stocking saying that i had been a good boy this yrs but he's broke as all his funds had been cheated by the lehman brothers. So no present for this yr. WTF, damn the lehman brothers.

《爱，断了线》

2008-12-20T05:09:00.007+08:00

Another enjoyable night out wif the gays. Best part, we get to bondage james by cheating on picking lot and of cos we manage to take photo wif Michelle Chia and Fiona Xie . Haha. As usual, we discuss abt love, sex n the city under the sky.

Hmm, guess i still living in the 80s where people believe in true love and everlasting love. Remember watching a show 《爱，断了线》. Where 2 people from different era(1981 n 2002) get to communicate through a radio device.

That a part of the movie i found interesting. Guess that's how our generation love. Do we still believe in love??? Or we ever searching for some1 whu love us more than we love them?? Shall i believe in love?? Perhaps, our next generation dun even think love exist. And love had extinct like the dinosaurs and left the cockroach(Sex) roaming the earth.

《爱，断了线》

1981年“滨海大学”的颜小佳（梁咏琪）深信爱情的存在，她喜欢上中文系的篮球健将闻涛。虽然男有情女有意，但却不敢将爱恋表白于面，一切都表现的那样的含蓄。这是那代男女爱情的典型吧。而小佳的好友亚琴却是爱情的激进分子，她认为，不是每件事情都是注定着，目标是人定出来的，实现它也在于人自己，事业是这样，爱情也应该是这样。

2002年同样是“滨海大学”，闻家辉（朱孝天）是现代都市男生的典型代表。在这个飞速发展的大时代，人们生活水平越来越好，但负面的东西也与日俱增。人与人之间的隔阂越来越大。当初认为最为永恒的人与人之间的感情也越来越淡薄。处于我们这个年代的人还相信爱情吗？在这个年代流行的是：“要对方爱自己多过自己爱对方”罢了。

在隔着时间和空间的对话中，小佳不免惊讶的问家辉：“你们不相信爱情了吗？”

“爱情是什么？在你们那个年代是说不清楚的，到我们这个年代。它连是否存在也是一个问题，我们还是向往爱情的，但是爱情的浓度和深度是和速度紧密联系的，在这个慌乱的年代，分分合合都快的让人喘不过起来。”家辉的回答，又显得如此无奈。

迷失在现在形态中的家辉询问小佳，怎样才算是喜欢一个人？

原来喜欢一个人，她会让你觉得她无所不在，在你走过的路上，在夜深的空气中，还有就是爱需要包容。

Releasing of Emotions

2008-12-17T21:20:00.007+08:00

Today, I went for a interpersonal relationship skills course. Lol, i need Sexual intercourse skill more than this. Nvrtheless, a very interesting course I can say and it do cover some grey areas that i never knew. Learn alot on emotion intelligence. There’s a part in it that teach us abt the releasing of emotion that I find useful and interesting. Do some research online and found better information on it.

http://www.trans4mind.com/heart/emotions3.html#release

Guess most people will be more familiar with the 3 other methods of handling emotions.

1)To suppress the feeling.
But suppressed feelings don't go away - they build up and fester inside, causing anxiety, tension, depression, and a host of stress-related problems. The repressed energy (or 'charge') these suppressed feelings create eventually drives you to behave in ways you don't like or understand, and which you cannot control.

2)To express the feeling.
By 'blowing up' or losing our tempers we relieve the pressure of the accumulated emotions. This can feel good because it puts the feeling into action - but it doesn't get rid of the feeling, or the roots that create the feeling; it simply relieves the pressure of it momentarily. Negative emotions may also be unpleasant for the person on the receiving end, which in turn causes more distress and guilt.

3)By attempting to avoid the issue.
By attending instead to distractions - by talking, watching TV, eating, smoking, drinking, taking drugs, having sex, etc. But despite our attempts to escape them, the feelings are still there - and still take their toll in the form of stress.

Hell night at helipad(Love, sex n the city)

2008-12-14T11:40:00.008+08:00

Must be the atmosphere,the wine, the moon and the gayness. 4 Big Gays and a Dumb Gal talking abt love, sex and the city at the rooftop gallery of The Central.

Never know i miss out on so much sex and the city. Guess i'm the odd 1 out. Or living on my principle is not the right way to go?? Hmm, or should enjoy life to the max and dun grow old and look back, regret missing out all the fun?? Hmm, really wish that i had a big heart to love many. Hahaha.......

Thanks for the night and the nicks, gays!!!

New Nicks: Toy Boy, Play Boy, Gay Boy, James's gay and shemale.

醉赤壁
林俊傑

作詞：方文山作曲：林俊傑

落葉堆積了好幾層
而我踩過青春
聽見前世誰在淚語紛紛
一次緣份結一次繩
我今生還在等
一世就只能有一次的認真

*確認過眼神我遇上對的人
我揮劍轉身而鮮血如紅唇
前朝記憶渡紅塵傷人的不是刀刃
是妳轉世而來的魂
確認過眼神我遇上對的人
我策馬出征馬蹄聲如淚奔
青石板上的月光照進這山城
我一路的跟你輪迴聲我對妳用情極深*

洛陽城旁的老樹根
像回憶般延伸
妳問經過是誰的心跳聲
我拿醇酒一罈飲恨
妳那千年眼神
是我醉醉墜入赤壁的傷痕

Repeat *

確認過眼神我遇上對的人
我策馬出征馬蹄聲如淚奔
青石板上的月光照進這山城
我一路的跟你輪迴聲我對妳用情極深
我一路的跟你輪迴聲我對妳用情極深

Starry starry night (Part III)

2008-12-12T22:36:00.002+08:00

Perhaps i should freeze my heart, put it in a box, throw it into the sea and nvr lovezz again!!!! Cos it hurtzz!!!

未到伤心处

歌手：劉德華
作曲：Edmond Tsang
填詞：林夕
編曲：Adam Lee

淋場冷雨發洩傷悲踩傷單車催谷志氣但是不敵愁眉
難服氣為你不肯心死如何玩味亦是過氣
原來低估愛恨交織的你絕非酒精可忘記莫非只可愛你

*能心醉才心碎殘忍得真乾脆
難得我未允許讓眼淚像雨水
明知道向前衝去陳舊情人便後退
用上念力來麻醉愛上寂寞當創舉（以忍哭當創舉）

誰離棄我亦沒不可人情世故我看得多
為著失戀為何又害了我

全憑愛你叫我知機可親可分都不到你
玩具寫著年期鳴謝你令我不生不死
還能預備剩下勇氣和誰一起嘆下一口的氣
如比這更累唯有怪自己
Repeat *

有淚未落並無壞處
至少假裝我迷信際遇
只怕我未到傷心處
有更壞情人傷得哭到漫天花雨
Repeat *

能心醉才心碎是苦戀的金句
難得我未允許讓眼淚像雨水
明知有過才失去期待誰來又復去
令我受罪如樂趣以哭泣當創舉

纏綿快慰妒忌苦楚
熱鬧孤單有過許多
用淚當歌原來並未試過

Starry starry night (Part II)

2008-12-11T21:07:00.003+08:00

ZzZzZzz.......

Dun know why, my past refused to leave me alone. For the whole day, my heart seem to come to a halt again. Especially at this lonely lonely night. Will i be loved again??

陈奕迅爱情转移
作曲：christopher chak
作词：林夕

徘徊过多少橱窗住过多少旅馆才会觉得分离也并不冤枉
感情是用来浏览还是用来珍藏好让日子天天都过的难忘
熬过了多久患难湿了多少眼眶才能知道伤感是爱的遗产
流浪几张双人床换过几次信仰才让戒指义无反顾的交换

*把一个人的温暖转移到另一个的胸膛让上次犯的错反省出梦想
每个人都是这样享受过提心吊胆才拒绝做爱情待罪的羔羊
回忆是抓不到的月光握紧就变黑暗等虚假的背景消失于晴朗
阳光在身上流转等所有业障被原谅
爱情不停站想开往地老天荒需要多勇敢*

烛光照亮了晚餐照不出个答案恋爱不是温馨的请客吃饭
床单上铺满花瓣拥抱让它成长太拥挤就开到了别的土壤
感情需要人接班接近换来期望期望带来失望的恶性循环
短暂的总是浪漫漫长总会不满烧完美好青春换一个老伴
Repeat*X2

你不要失望荡气回肠是为了最美的平凡

Starry starry night

2008-12-10T23:50:00.000+08:00

Hmm, being awhile since I blog. Tonight, my past decide to pay me a visit and haunt me. For the past few weeks, I had unknownly changed and done stuffs that I had not done in the past. Somethings that might had save my relationship! But thinking back, if I had really done all that, will the story had a different ending? It may or may not.

Today, some1 ask me wat do I look in a relationship? My answer, some1 who love me as who i'm. That simple? Ya, simple and yet complicated. Different people had different needs n wants. Is simple but I what I have might not be wat people wants. :)

Love is a weird stuff. There's no 10yrs series or correct answer/formula to it. At times, we trying to find closure to our past relationship or even hoped that we can find some ways to salvage back the relationship. But we forgotten that it take 2 hands to clap. At times, we be thinking that why this happened to me? Had I not done enough? Wat had I done wrong? But even if we find the answers to it, will it be able to change anything in the past? Or shall we keep living in our shadow and search for the answers that our heart wish to listen or shall we face the truth? End of the day, juz ask ourself, had we put in our 100% to love and are those our happy times. At times, in love, gives will not be equal returns. Heard from somewhere, when the time is right, e person is wrong. when the time and person are right, the place is wrong. When the time, person and place are right, the status is wrong.

For the past few mths, I had learned and changed unknowingly from my gay. Thanks bro. Haha. But 1 thing for sure, easy said than done. Haha. U know wat I mean. :)

Looking Back

2008-11-14T01:47:00.002+08:00

Being having a rather relaxing week. Taking a slower pace at work and relaxing at home. Looking back, for the past few yrs, i really had been walking too fast and neglected alot of things.... Perhaps been trying too hard to achieve my goals and too self-centered at times.. Or perhaps,had given out hope of loving someone in fear of getting hurted again.

Perhaps gay is right, Life need a balance. Looking back, being working hard and saving for my dream. Living in a world of my own. Thinking that whatever i done is right and enough, hoping for the best. But end of the day, the dream were dashed, forgotten that there's another person in that dream that i need to work on.

For the past few wks, done lots of surprise stuffs that my old self won't. Shopping, fairytales, enjoying life and throwing surprise at someone, seeing the surprise look and smile is priceless.. haha.. Guess time to move on and to a brand new hatezz...............

你是我的花朵-伍佰

2008-11-09T21:59:00.007+08:00

Lol.. Being trying to get this song out of my head. My bro had been listening and watching tis song the whole day. Damn irritating. We like trying to learn the moves and lol the whole afternoon. Bring back memories of my poly times in mambo.. haha.

Still busy at work.. Really feel like taking a break and go for holiday. Being moving on gd. Never being better. haha. Think my heart had started to beat again and moving on... Guess that every cloud has a silver lining.

Being updating my facebk. Glad to see all my friends doing gd.

P/S Miss u gay......Think need to meet u next wk... Haha

27/10/08 Lazy Deepavali Afternoon

2008-10-27T12:29:00.005+08:00

Wow... Been so long since i blogged!!! How had i been??? Nvr been better. Been really busy at work for the past few 2 weeks and packed schedules of activities. Busy, tired yet fulfilling weeks. Guess i had really moved on. Had not been emoing too. Guess life had more for us than to stop and think of stuffs that we cant change.

Last weekend, is my close friend Orange's wedding. Is my first time as a brother for any1. haha... Nvr knew that wedding can be so tedious and tiring. Nvrtheless, is kind of fun. It been a long time since we the band of brothers gathered together. Even had a lawyer who flew from Hongkong juz to be the brother the tat day(days).

Wishes for the new 'Mrs So' and all the luck to the new 'Mr So'. Hope to see little oranges soon.

Joke for the week:
Gathering at 1 of the contractor house.

(Kids running along the corridor)

Kids: Uncles.. (Continue running)
ME:(Looking at the the contractors) I shall not mix too much wif u all... now people call me uncle.....
Contractor A: Not my fault. I briefed my son b4 coming. I told him later remember to greet uncles, aunties, koukou, jiejie liao, dun greet wrongly... then he asked me how to differentiate uncles, aunties, kuokuo, jiejie... i'm shocked but then he said he know liao... Dress nice nice is koukou, jiejie... not nice one uncles, aunties...
ME:Zzzzz(Time to buy new clothes)

A Brand New Me(不一样的我)

2008-10-06T21:01:00.002+08:00

If we are still together, today would be our 7th Anniversary. So i will like to officially open my blog to the public to mark this special day. A day which i decided that i will 绝口不提爱你, a day i decide to start a brand new me.

In case anyone will think that i started tis blog to achieve something or getting back with you, i must said that this blog is been inspired by the tvb series 溏心風暴I & II and of course a place where i can leave my feelings and thoughts that i had been keeping in me. A close friend of mine had been telling me that i had not really share my feelings with anyone and i should share with someone before i go insane. Haha, guess that me. Anyway, i fully exposed now. Haha.

How had i been for the past 7 mths?? Really insane. Haha. Club like no tomorrow, drink like no tomorrow, spend like no tomorrow. Done alot of stuffs i had not done for the past 7yrs. Drink more alcohol i drink in my lifetime. Club more than i had in the past 7yrs. Is like i been staying in a mountain for the past 7yrs. But do i really enjoy or like this kind of lifestyle?? NO. End of the day, i would feel more empty.

Anyway, time to move on with my life and find my way back into love ;).

不一样的我
张柏芝

昨日听不懂　理智的讥讽
但是我决心不再迷梦
从来没計算　从无自控
分手的一刻　我便看通
如同行没法　孤单境界中
让負累去加深也无用
在余下旅程　谁回贈我星火千百种

*这一刻原来自己没法一样
海阔天空已经超过了想像
愿每天悠然自得覓我的新方向
可不可以共处欣賞
#这一刻原来自己没法一样(这一刻并无什么需要一样）
不再拖　拖欠日久未代清的帐
愿每天悠然自得覓我的新方向
重开始　为昨日摔倒今天要赶上

旧日算不清　共互欠的帐
但是我今天不再同样　
还重拾理智重寻路向　
分手的片段我未会想　
如同行没法孤单境界中　
让負累去加深也无用
在余下旅程　谁回贈我星火千百种

Repeat *#

Ice-Cream

2008-09-28T22:40:00.004+08:00

Finally, after some hard work, manage to find the 溏心風暴之家好月圓 english sub-theme song. TVB really very good at finding good songs for their shows. Being listening to it for the whole day. Really bring back memories, still remember the times when u ask me to buy the ice-cream from the mobile ice-cream uncle whenever he ring his bell at the void deck on weekend and your happy face while eating the ice-cream. Hatezz to say that, missing you now.

Ice Cream

Talk to me
Speak with me
Don’t sink before you rise, baby
Don’t fade away

You hesitate
You seem to wait
For all the time we had
Feels a world away

*who’s to say, we’ll be okay
We will make it through the night
Don’t want to wake up in this state
I just want us both to smile
Cause we’re the same
And I know that i will never change
Look, I bought your favorite ice cream
I don’t want to see it melt away
If you walk out now
I don’t know if we could be the same
Baby, just talk with me
Cause I want you to stay here with me*

The memories
The things we did
I locked inside my heart
Where I know I won’t forget

And now,

Repeat *

I want you to stay here with me

22/09/08 Cloudy

2008-09-22T23:34:00.007+08:00

Feeling rather moody or rather for the past few days. And the weather make it even worse. Suddenly feel like missing something or someone. Had i really forgotten abt her or am i still holding on to something? Went to ktv on sat to celebrate my friend b-day. Sang a couple of songs and emo for that night. There's tis song 舍不得 that i really like.

At times i thought that i really had let go of this relationship, but sometimes i wished that this relationship had never end. Perhaps that i had not found another girl that was as good as her. For the past few mths without her, i been living a life without tomorrow. Spend like there's no tomorrow, club like there's no tomorrow. But end of the day i still feel empty. I really dun enjoy the life i living now. i really wish for a family of my own. Something that i proud of and worth working for.

Alot of thoughts and things came into my life tis few days. My dad intend to sell the house again for the cash. Haiz. Guess i need to start looking for a house of my own liao. Really sick and tired of this family. Everyday going home and lock myself in my room doing my own stuffs. My top priority now is to get a house of my own.

Been watching 溏心風暴之家好月圓. How i wish that i had a family like their. Been like crying for almost every episodes. How i wish that i had that kind of family warm. Few days back, i missed home-cook food so much. It been like ages since i had someone cooking for me. That kind of warm that i always long for. Whenever i passby my neighbour house at dinner time, i feel the kind of sour running through me. At times i wish that i could start afresh at a foreign country where no one know who i'm and no one or things that remind me of my past.

ps. Happy b-day Jeff. May all ur wishes come true.

第一次你陪我坐着
我的手心是空空的
我知道那些简讯声你努力藏著
还怕我难过

不追问到底为什么
是我最后的温柔
想笑着附和说分开是好的
但我们却怎么一起哭了

*我舍不得
可是时间回不去了
爱你很值得
只是该停了
没有我你要好好的

我舍不得
最后一次抱紧你了
我们错过的
错了就错了
不用担心我
我不爱你了*

不追问到底为什么
是我最后的温柔
想笑着附和说分开是好的
但我们却怎么一起哭了

Repeat *

至少你记忆里的我是微笑的
亲爱的有你牵著我的那些日子
真的好快乐

我舍不得
可是时间回不去了
爱你很值得
只是该停了
没有我你要好好的

我舍不得
最后一次抱紧你了
我们错过的
错了就错了
不用担心我
..我..走..了..

Juz Another Restless Night

2008-09-15T00:55:00.004+08:00

Hmm, being a very long time since i last posted. It a good thing though as it mean i not been emo. How life for the past weeks? Nothing much, juz the usual.

Had been chilling out wif my gay buddy talking(arguing)abt many stuffs. My gay buddy had been telling me that i'm a very stubborn guy and keep contradicting myself. Right also i said, wrong also i said. Haha, not that i keep contradicting myself, juz that i been seeing thing at many aspect. Is juz how we see it. At times many people had diff thoughts and views on things, it juz depend on which side we view the thing at. It like black and white. Some will said that they are 2 diff things, some will said they are the same depend at how you look at it. At times, we juz blinded by our thinking/belief and never look at the other aspect.

Cut and pasted from somewhere:
We don't need to judge about right or wrong [when it comes to others' deeds]... just check our motivation and try and be as skilful as we can [in terms of responding by benefiting others with compassion and wisdom]. (Thanks to Red Tomato)

It is mostly right to judge that
it is mostly wrong to judge what is right and wrong. - stonepeace

This is true - since most of us cannot with 100% accuracy know the intentions of those we judge - as we cannot read minds. To judge when one can know is to assume, and to assume is already wrong. However, we often “need” to exercise “the best of our judgment” in the worst of situations. This is why we need to increase our wisdom, to be able to discern as wisely as we can.

Quotes for the day: (Phrases And Philosophies For The Use Of The Young-- Oscar Wilde)
"The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves."
"The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything."
"The condition of perfection is idleness: the aim of perfection is youth."
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."

原谅我

2008-08-26T23:09:00.004+08:00

萧敬腾
原谅我
作詞：阿沁作曲：阿沁

請不要分了以後還記得親吻過的承諾
妳的永久已不屬於我
默默低頭那時我很多話哽在喉嚨
妳的笑妳的快樂
或許我愛太多想太多
我能感受他比我適合
愛放了手我偽裝冷漠
逼妳先說分手

請原諒我
原諒我不成熟
不愛妳是藉口
好讓妳離開我
請原諒我
好想自私將妳佔有
妳的寂寞就給我承受
換妳過更好的生活

愛過恨過哭過也笑過
親吻過妳的脆弱
其實我比誰都要懦弱
原諒我
必須假裝愛錯
別讓時間逗留
我怕說不出口
原諒我
沒有解釋太多心痛
別無所求
徹底忘了我
愛原來有捨得

我難過
我才懂

------------------------------------------------------------

Recently heard from a close friend that a friend of mine been telling people tat i told him that i broke off wif my ex bcos i cant stand her and find her annoying. Lucky my friend dun believe i will said such thing and ask me abt it. Haizzzzz.... Why there are bastard out there trying so hard to tarnish my reputation... Such bastard are partly the reason i broke off wif my ex.....

The same close friend had being asking me why i broke off wif my ex and do i wish to be together wif her again after he heard the songs i sang at Party World last week. Seriously, i dun wish to be wif her again as i cant bear to see her cry and hurt her again.... As for how a near 7yr relationship juz ended like tis??? Juz like the song 原谅我...

Juz d/led the song today and been hearing it... And i could feel the wetness in my eyes. It really make me think back the times we are together. The happy times, her smiles and the times when she cry.... Really cant bear to see her cry again.. I will rather be the bad guy, the guy who had to bear the pain of letting her go... Mayb to alot of friends, i'm juz a bad guy and dun deserve her... but how many do know that it hurt me even more to let her go?... Juz bcos of some bastards who had been telling her stuffs... How many do know that i had been giving all i could to her?

Guess i had been keeping all my feelings inside and no one really know and understand me.. Partly, tis is the reason the relationship drifted. I admitted that i might not be a very good bf. But i had do the best i could, but at times, is juz my character.. For all the times we are together, i nvr even at any time stray or go mess around and stay loyal to her. Give her freedom and nvr scold her for going anywhere w/o me knowing. Do my very best to work and save for our future. Whenever i free, i will put her in the top priority, whenever my friends ask me out, i will check whether she free or not. I do admitted that i neglect her due to work and at times dun show enough concern to her. But i thought she will understand me. Guess it's not the case. She started to complaint to all my friends abt me that really pissed me off and i started to go out less wif her to meet our friends as i dun wish to be angry by all these comments and spoilt my moods. For that i started to drift away from our common friends.

But the breaking pt of this relationship is that there was once i was damn tired after work but i still try to rush down to meet her for a friend baby shower party. Guess what? after a tired day at work, i took a cab and rush down to the party, most of my friends had left and after less than an hr, we decided to left and she received a call from a guy friend who had juz broke off wif his wife and she juz tell me she will b going his house and ask me to go home........ wtf.. I took all the efforts and tis wat i received from her and she the 1 whu ask me to come down and accompany her to the party.. juz for a guy, he can juz ask her bf to go home juz like tat.. that day, i decided to break off and shut off my phone and took off for the next few days and stay at a hotel... 3 days later, after turn on my phone, she call me and ask me to forgive her and dun break off wif her.. fearing she will do something stupid, i decided to give this relationship another chance.

Thought that the relationship will change for the best, but it doesn't. Guess is me. Due to tis incident, i being drifting away from her. And she started to compare me wif others, telling how good tis person is and that.. And people had said tat i treated her like a companion.... And for all these, we quarrelled and there when i hatezz to see her cry.. At many times i wished to end tis relationship but juz lack of the courage and fearing she will do something stupid. So i started to treat her coldly and slowly she started to feel that i been cold to her and many times she wrote letters to me and cry abt it. Untill 1st March 08, she decided to end tis relationship.......

At that night, i was wif a close buddy of mine, i had called him in the afternoon to meet me as i really tired of tis relationship and seeing her sad. We meet for dinner and i told him of my decision but he is against the decision and ask me to think clearly abt it. The problem is not tat i dun love her, juz tat i cant give wat she want and i can give is not wat she want.. Seeing her cry and sad really hurt me so..
Guess wat, she msg me tat night before i could..

At tis pt, i really wish to say sorry to her. For dragging tis relationship, for making her sad, for making her cry.... But i do cherish the times we are together, the memories we share..

原諒我
沒有解釋太多心痛
別無所求
徹底忘了我
愛原來有捨得

Happy B-Day Gay

2008-08-23T00:02:00.003+08:00

Happy B-day Gay, may all your wish come true. Haha. Who the gay buddy that i been mentioning?? He's a close buddy of mine, James. We not really gay. We wish... haha but we dun like sword fighting. Thanks for accompany me for the past few mths, really appreciated that. Haha, u been asking me to write about you.... Guess i should, since you not been making me emo enough to blog.. haha

Where should i start???... hmmmmmmmmm....

I know tis gay buddy of mine from Shattered Galaxy(a online game)... At the time, both of us are leader of 2 diff regiment, our path crossed when both of us are busy wif work and we decide to merged the 2 regiments and throw the shit work to each other.. haha.

James, a cheerful and entertaining gay who know how to entertain and joke abt anything in the world even abt him been gay... haha. A night out wif him wont b boring. He really a caring person, at times i wish i'm gay and fall in love wif him.. haha. For friends and his god-sisters, he can really go the extra miles to protect and give his very best. But i guess he had gone through alot and long for a good relation and a family of his own. But at times, he dun really know how to let go and move on wif his life and wish that things could change for the best.

Gay, learn to let go and move on wif our life. I believe 1 day, we will find the love we want and have a family we call our own.... May all your wish come true and love me deep deep... haha

p/s. abit high and rushing for mj.. will updated it further when i more sober.. haha...

p/p/s. I Love You.... Happy B-day and May All Your Dream Come True.... Haha

10 August 08 - Lonely Lonely Night

2008-08-10T23:25:00.001+08:00

Lonely Lonely Night in my office. Feeling much better tis week. Guess writing really a good way to let go of your feelings. Even on this lonely lonely night, i not really feeling emo. Guess i starting to move on wif my life. Time for me to get up and move toward my goals and dreams that i had throw them aside for the past few mths.

Regrets...........

2008-08-03T10:32:00.007+08:00

For the past 5mths is really the lowest part of my life. But it's actually the best time for me to look back and think what that wat i achieved and done wrong in my life. Thinking back, if i ever able to turn back the time, will i still choose to go through what i go through, to love the girl i love, to give all my love to everyone and make the same mistakes i make? I might. As that wat make me who i am today.

At times, we regret about the past we been through and hope that we can turn back the time and undo the mistake. But we had forgotten that if we had not committed the mistakes, we will never able to learn from it and be a better person.

Many times in a relationship, we are always searching for the perfect person and even when in a relationship, we will compared and complaint about our bf/gf and wish that he/she can be the one we want. But we had forgotten the reasons and things that make us fall in love wif him/her. Not matter how much the person being giving to us or good to us, we will still think that it's not enough and asking for more. Wishing that he/she can be someone else. Everyone got their good and bad sides, at times we juz keep looking at the bad sides and start complaining and forgot about his/her good sides that we once love and treasure.

Few mths back, have a good chat with a friend, she being feeling down and looking for advice on relationship. In a relationship, no one will be able to advice you and tell you what to do. As long as ur heart feel that it's right then go for it. End of the day, who are we to judge and comment the relationship. Juz treasure the moments and love wif all your heart and nvr regrets.

Happened to read from someone blog.
Happiness is a very subjective factor in one's life. Being happy doesn't depend on achieving what u want, but rather making the best out of what is given. Life isn't fair, it never was. The only thing that can make u completely happy is contentment.. Be content on what u have, but be sure to aim high & never stop believing that u can do better everytime.

Quotes:
"Never regret something that once made you smile." Amber Deckers
"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.” Edward J. Phelps
"If I had my life to live again. I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." Bankhead, Tallulah
"To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all." Peter McWilliams
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery , today is gift. That's why we call it 'present" Joan Rivers
“True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” Jason Jordan

01 August 08 - 5 Mths w/o Love

2008-08-01T21:32:00.004+08:00

Today is my 5th mths w/o love and it happen to be the 1st day of seventh mth. All a sudden i missed someone i love and respected alot, my grandma. Till now, whenever i think of her, my eyes will be wet and tears will flow. If not for my grandma, i might not be alive now or who i'm today. Grandma, thanks for all your love and care for me. You are the reason that i still keep going and nvr give up. I will make you proud to have a grandson like me.

5 mths had passed, my gay buddy had been telling me times and again that i should open up and know more gals and PR more. Seriously, i think i forgotten how to love. At times i found that my heart had stopped. Thinking back, is really a long time since i said "I LOVE YOU" to any1 even to my ex. Guess that i had decided to stop giving my love. Guess that i don't wish to be hurt, to be hurt by the one i love.

Since young, I had been giving. Giving to my family, my siblings, my friends and my only love. But wat i get in returned? A broken family, 2 hopeless parent, 1 ungrateful sis, friends who dun understand me and my only love gone. But who really know how i feel? Who are there for me when i need someone? Who really concern abt me being dead or alive?

Thinking back, perhaps is that i choose to hide all these feeling, trying to be strong and happy. So alot of people think that i am a cheerful person and live a day by a day w/o worries. I could still remember my friends had been asking me how can i be happy and cheerful everyday? Amd why it seems that i dun have any temper? Most of them never see me sad and angry before. But everyday of my life is lonely and sad.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Life of Hatezz

Born in 27 Jan 1980. Dun really have any memories of my childhood. It seem that i had deleted it from my memory. Only remember most of my childhood is living in fears. Many nights my dad will get home drunk and start quarrelling wif my mom and my siblings and me will wake up in fear and hide at 1 corner and cry. There was once my dad nearly throw my mom out of the window. So most of the times, i will be at the playground or in school only go home when the sun set. To me, home is juz a place to sleep.

Since young, i had to make my own decision in life. No one to guide me, no one ask me abt school or where i been or how had i been. Even if i stay over at friend's house for days and go home, no one will be worry. Mayb even if i'm dead, no one will notice. At times, i juz wish that someone is there for me. Still remember how sad i was when most of my happiest moments are spent alone. Still can remember the day i enlisted in army, i juz carry a small bag and went to pulau tekong alone. That day, i juz feel so lonely and sad seeing other recruits wif their love one
sending them and accompany them. Imaging the sadness when passing out ceremony wif no one to put the cap for me. Standing there like a fool. Training for the parade for nothing.

Ever since my grandma passed away, i lost all the love that i had and wished for. Soon after my grandma passed away, my parent got divorce. And my mom asked for $40,000 from my dad and the judge. At that times, my dad business juz failed and had to sell my grandma's house(Our home) juz to pay my mom. At that time, i juz finished my NS and looking for job. And i felt very sad that my grandma house had to be sold. First, my grandma pay for the house not my dad. How can the judge juz decided that my mom can get $40k from sellingthe house? At the same time, a friend of my introduced me a sales job(Network aka MLM). I was very reluctant to join as i'm quite a introvert and low confidence person. But is the offer and ability to earn the $40k at the shortest time that i decided to try it out. Guess is a blessing in disguise, althought i did not managed to earn the $40k and my grandma's hse had to be sold. But due to the sales job, i managed to build my confidence and PR skills from it and be who i'm today. Guess my grandma is looking after me.

But the sales job did not really go very well. I'm start to spend alots of time in work and neglected my gf. My friends had being telling me that i should try to spend more time with her and stop being materialistic. That when i feel so disappointed with all my friends. I not being materialistic, i'm juz being realistic. I dun really spend money on myself buying clothes or branded stuff. Even till now, most of my clothes are presents from someone unless is for work. I dun really spent alot on myself. Most of my money is spent on my love one or on friends. As long as my love one are happy, money to me is nothing. I dun spent to look good but to make people happy. Many people can said that money is not the most important, love is. But if they went through wat i been through, they might understand how i feel. Had they ever live a day, a week w/o money? had they ever search through their pocket and found that they don't even had a cent to take bus and had to walk all the way home? Had they been through juz becos of money, a person can juz dun care abt their love one? Had they been through juz becos u had no money, ur love one can turn ur back at you??? I DID.................................

I'm not sad that my mom ask for the $40k, is juz tat juz for the $40k, we had to move and sell my grandma house and bring down the whole family. And the best part? My mom and dad can tell me after 1yr that they had spent all the money........ Not much people had even seen $40k before in their lifetime and they can spent it in a year. My dad the best, $80k in a year. And tat not even their fucking money. And bcos of that i refused to give a single cent to them. Is time for them to learn. My dad had been relying on my grandma all his life. For his business, my grandma provided him wif the capital and at the peaks of his business, he can juz go oversea and enjoyed himself and ask me to tend the shop for weeks. And let the business closed. And i had to give the money my grandma left for me to clear off his debts and at the end of the day he can juz treated nothing had happened and ignored me and calling me names.........................

Next is my younger sis, for all my effort and care to pull tis family through, she can juz request for a PPO and throw me to court.... REALLY Disappointed. I did not even hit or beat you and you the crazy bitch who started all this nosense... Anyway, i had completely give up on this family.... Do wat ever you like...

Juz as i think i'm ready and wanted to start a family on my own, my love had left me.......

As for now, guess i need someone who love me and can pump my heart and let it beat and love again....... How long will it be?? God know....

Companion

2008-07-28T01:55:00.006+08:00

Another sleepless night. Can't seem to get to sleep again.

Recently been hearing people mentioning this word companion. Don't know why get pissed off by this word so easily. Maybe because some friend of mine told my ex that i treated her juz as a companion and she really believe in that. It really hurt me so to hear that. Been together for so long and she feel that i juz treated her as a companion. And who the person to judge me and our relationship.

To me, a companion is someone who accompany you when u need someone. Today, i dig out some old companions of mine. Some companions who had been with me at the darkest days of my life. Companions who are there for me when i'm alone and sad. Companions who are there when i cry myself to sleep. It been years since i last listen to all these CDs i have inside my drawer. Still can remember the days where i lock myself inside the room and listen to these songs to sleep when i alone. Still remember the days when i carry my discman and take buses aimlessly from town to town when i'm down.

Guess i'm a good loner, been able to keep all my feelings inside me. So till now, not much friends really know how i feel and who i really am. To alots of my friends or people i knew, I'm juz a happy guy, a person who live without worries. Sometimes how i wish i can juz let go of myself and stop acting strong. And juz be myself and express my feelings.

P.S. Gay, Sorry to blow my top that night. No hard feeling. Juz hatezz the word " Companion".

Companionship, Love or The Perfect One??

2008-07-27T02:43:00.003+08:00

Finally get my doses of alcohol.... Have a good night at helipad on friday.. Chilling with some friends talking abt life and relationship...

Found that we are alway looking/searching for the Perfect one... But at seldom part of life, we try to settle for a companionship while searching for the perfect one..

A gay buddy of mine had been telling me that i had not really get over the past.. And if i have, i will be in a relationship by now and not feeling emo all the while. Is not that i had not getting over the past, is juz that 我不甘愿 that the relationship juz ended like this. And if i really want to settle juz for a companionship, i rather b aloner for my life.. I dun really ask for the perfect one as me myself is not perfect.. I juz wish for someone who really understand me and love me as who i am.. Companionship or Love?? Love of course, as companionship can be found everywhere but Love don't.

24/07/08 Lonely and sleepless night again (Part 2)

2008-07-24T22:37:00.007+08:00

Guess must be lack of alcohol. Memories keep pouring in, especially this morning on my way to work. I can feel the wetness in my eyes. For the first time since we broke off, i'm out of alcohol for 6 days straight. Guess i need alcohol to numb myself.

Since morning, memories of us together started flowing in.... I can still remember the times we spent at the playground near ur house when we start dating. The times we spent in my dad's van at the mulit-carpark admiring the night sky. The times we spent together, the hugs and the kisses. Seriously, these times are the happiest times of my life. The days we are together are actually the darkest days of my life but you are like the light in the dark that keep me going. Juz when my life started to pick up, you are no longer there to share with me.....

Alot of people being asking me, how i can juz forgo a 6 yr plus relationship. My answer to them is that i want you to be happy.... I juz cant bear to see you cry again. Do you know that seeing you cry and letters that you wrote hurt me more than anything... Do you know how hurt i am when u keep complain to my friends and comparing me to other. Do you know for you, i willing to give up all my friends juz becos u said some1 mention i treat you like a companion?? Guess you dont really understand me. i'm born a loner............. most of my life important and happiest moments and decision is made by me or spent alone... All the while i thought that i have given my best to you but it juz seem that is not wat you want...

Perhaps that i juz like to keep everything to myself, perhaps i juz too MCP thinking wat ever decision i make u will like it, perhaps i nvr spent enough time to be wif you, perhaps perhaps perhaps........................ all the while i being asking myself, why cant i juz give in, why must i b so stubborn.............. But that me...... the true me............. i juz cant be the man u want.....

So i choose to let go.... around 27/08/06, i found a song 李圣杰 -最近. It become my ringtone and my friendster song... it really describe how i feel at the moments.. but i juz lack of the courage and heart as i afraid u might do some foolish.... so i choose to keep all these feeling in me and stay wif u and hope for the best.............. But it seem tat is not really going to work.....

The few nights before you decide to end this relationship, we had not been smsing or call each others. And for these few nights, i cant really sleep. Been thinking real hard abt tis relationship. Till 29 Feb morning..... i juz feel tat my heart like dead.. so empty so calm.. I juz feel like i lost my meaning of life, my goals, my dream. Everything seem to move slow...... Guess wat, u msg me around 2am tat night to end this relationship.... At tat time, i juz shed a tear.... a tear of sadness and happiness.... happiness for u.... A song that best suit my feeling for that night. 周杰伦- 我不配

23/07/08 Lonely and sleepless night again

2008-07-23T21:53:00.000+08:00

Almost 5 months(144 Days to be exact) since we broke off. Not been thinking much of u since we broke off... Till monday morning on my way to work, memories start pouring in. Although we are together for 6 yrs plus(2338days), but my love for u go beyond tat. I decided to write down these memories before i really forget abt them.

Cant remember since when or how i fall in love with you. Juz remember during our secondary sch time, we used to buy mentos for each other. Almost everyday w/o failed, we will pass each other a bar of mentos. But i nvr really talk or spend times wif you. juz keeping my distance looking n checking on you.. Still can remember alots of my friends making fun and singing some song abt you n me but i juz refused to admit tat i like u and keep my distance more away from you. Untill we finish our 'O' lvl. I thought tat i will nvr get to see you again.

Fate really know how to make fun of me. When i thought tat i will nvr get to see you again, we managed to be together wif e same group of friends. Still our friends will try to make fun of me loving you and i act angry and ignored all this nonsense. Guess i juz too shy to approach and tell you how i feel. And i nvr really make any move to ask you out as i'm afraid tat you might reject me. the most i can do is juz msg u. I still remember the times when we leave song on each other voice mail during the pager times. These are the sweetest parts of my memories. Till now i still save e song tat you sing to me...郑秀文-谈情说爱

Do you still remember and keep the bottle of "happy birthday" rice i gave to you?? I hope u do. Still remember my poly term exam is around the corner when i write happy birthday on the rice. While my friends are busy studying in the airport, i was busy writing the rice in the airport. Nvr knew tat it will be so hard and long to fill a bottle full of rice. End up had to fill e rest with colour sand. Finally, i found enough courage to ask you to be by gf but end up been rejected twice. Finally, i decided to give up asking and juz move on.

Untill 6 Oct 01. Can't remember wat really happened. Is a night at zouk. Guess must be the alcohol. I juz hold ur hand out of the dancefloor and we end up hugging. Still remember the night i send you home, and you end up vomitting on me. That night is my happiest day.